MY DEEPEST TEACHER

Looking back on my life, it is clear that my wisest and most uncompromising teacher has not been a person, or a book, or a philosophy. It has been the exquisite pain known to human beings as depression, along with its friends despair and hopelessness.

One fateful night a decade or so ago, this extreme psychological anguish erupted in my consciousness, and I was overwhelmed with what felt like the terror of a trillion dying stars. From that moment forward, I was compelled to dive deeply into what life is, what the hell we’re doing here, what it’s all about. It felt as if I had no choice but to do so, such was the nature of this pain. And in my deep dives, I have been opened and transformed and grown in countless ways. But no matter how deeply I have gone into true nature, these exquisite mental anguishes have returned to knock upon my door at various surprising intervals. Each time, the pain is immense. Each time, it feels as if all that I have discovered in my journey has been lost. And each time, as I surrender to this pain (sometimes willingly, sometimes kicking and screaming), it drives me deeper into what truly matters. Love. Empathy. Compassion. Kindness. Honor. Humility. And in the fires of my deepest tragedy, my highest virtues are honed, without fail, every single time. Each time, I emerge with a renewed resolve to live a life that helps to contribute to a solution to the incomprehensible suffering that humanity endures moment by moment. Now, when you are the thick of your deepest pain, it’s close to impossible to resonate with the notion that it’s a gift that’s taking you deeper into what truly matters. I know it’s that way for me, no matter how many times I have experienced the truth of that statement. That notion might even strike a part of you as deeply insulting or offensive, and I understand that. So if you are in exquisite pain and are not resonating with this message, you’re not doing anything wrong. When our fiercest teachers are here, they tend to strip you of all your familiar mental escape routes. It’s like the pain is saying “Oh no, you’re not gonna miss out on the devastating blessing I have in store for you. Your beliefs and techniques and modalities have no power here. See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.” (Apparently your fiercest teacher is a fan of The Who.)

So let these words be a friend who understands the severity of what you are going through. Let these words be a glimmer in the darkness that reminds you, if but for a moment, that you are not alone, that while what you are going through is unique to you but is also experienced in parallel versions of you called other human beings who empathize with you and know how treacherous this territory can be. And let these words be, if you are at your wit’s end, a reminder that you are never wrong to reach out for help and support when things get really dire. It is not a weakness, it’s a noble act of love. Let people in your life know what is going on. If your family doesn’t understand, let the internet know. Give yourself the gift of expressing the things in your life that feel impossible to face and resolve. Let your honesty be a profound act of love when love feels terrifyingly out of reach. If you are feeling this way, or anything close to what I have described in this post, reach out to me. I want to hear your story. I want to listen to your nightmare. I want to point you towards resources that have helped me in my moments of trial. I want to remind you that while your pain may be totally unacceptable to you, the one who is in pain is always deserving of being heard.

I bow to you, oh depressed one. I honor you, oh despairing one. I respect you, oh hopeless one. You are eternally worthy of the blessing of compassion. And if you are not experiencing these energies right now, rest assured that someone you know and love in your life is. A phone call, email, or text could be the small gesture that makes all the difference in the life of someone undergoing pure agony in silence. I love you, my friends. We will get through this. But only with each other at our sides, as we take turns helping each other heal from our deepest wounds through small, priceless acts of compassion.